My cousin and his wife are due around the dates that we were expecting (an actual date hadn't been scheduled for delivery but sometime after November 20th and she's due on Nov 27th or 28th).So on facebook yesterday I saw her status, it was one of those 'how far along I am, what the baby is like right now, and how long until I'm due' and I could barely breathe. I know how fast the day(s) are coming up, it's not like I needed a reminder, but to log on and have it in my face like that was overwhelming. I don't know what I'll be like throughout all of November and December, or well ever, but right now, with it approaching so fast I feel like I am sinking deeper into despair.
Today is three months since we lost our little boy, and three months and 3 days since we lost our little girl.
It's painful to think about how far along I should be by now, how close to perfect everything would be if we hadn't lost them.
And every day I think that if it weren't for me that would still be the case.
Friday, 14 October 2011
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Sigh
It's been a while. Nothing's really changed. I did get to see Sherri last week, which was so very nice and needed.
I don't know about the anti-depressant I'm on. I find that sometimes my emotions build up so much I feel like I might explode and I'm unable to cry, which isn't good because crying is a release.
I might book an appointment with my doctor about either switching or stopping the anti-depressant.
I feel worse in the last few days than I have in a while and I don't know why. I am pretty low, and I hate to admit what crosses my mind sometimes. I shudder to think about where I would be without my husband and our family and friends.
Nights still seem to be the hardest, I'm wondering if it's because the early mornings were when things happened (or started to happen). So I find that I don't get as much sleep as I should at night, and then I sleep too much during the day. I feel so tired.
One amazing thing that happened was our friends and family got together and surprised us with an all expense paid trip to Disneyland (my husband and I are Disneyland-fanatics). We had less than a week's notice, which was so exciting. They arranged the time off with James' work (I am still not back to work) and everything. It was a much needed getaway and we really enjoyed ourselves. Just knowing how much people love and care about us is so heartwarming.
I started to call in my period to do a frozen IVF cycle. I just want to be on the waiting list so that when we do feel ready we'll already be waiting. If they call in the meantime, we can always say no to that month and we'd then be on the top of the list until we say yes. I like the sound of January, but there are a lot of hard days to come before then, so I'll have to see how we handle them first.
I think I just want to start something new, but I have a huge urge to move away.
I'm still having flashbacks, I still find myself having panic attacks, I cry alot, when I am able to. I still pretend I'm ok, but I'm not.
I don't know about the anti-depressant I'm on. I find that sometimes my emotions build up so much I feel like I might explode and I'm unable to cry, which isn't good because crying is a release.
I might book an appointment with my doctor about either switching or stopping the anti-depressant.
I feel worse in the last few days than I have in a while and I don't know why. I am pretty low, and I hate to admit what crosses my mind sometimes. I shudder to think about where I would be without my husband and our family and friends.
Nights still seem to be the hardest, I'm wondering if it's because the early mornings were when things happened (or started to happen). So I find that I don't get as much sleep as I should at night, and then I sleep too much during the day. I feel so tired.
One amazing thing that happened was our friends and family got together and surprised us with an all expense paid trip to Disneyland (my husband and I are Disneyland-fanatics). We had less than a week's notice, which was so exciting. They arranged the time off with James' work (I am still not back to work) and everything. It was a much needed getaway and we really enjoyed ourselves. Just knowing how much people love and care about us is so heartwarming.
I started to call in my period to do a frozen IVF cycle. I just want to be on the waiting list so that when we do feel ready we'll already be waiting. If they call in the meantime, we can always say no to that month and we'd then be on the top of the list until we say yes. I like the sound of January, but there are a lot of hard days to come before then, so I'll have to see how we handle them first.
I think I just want to start something new, but I have a huge urge to move away.
I'm still having flashbacks, I still find myself having panic attacks, I cry alot, when I am able to. I still pretend I'm ok, but I'm not.
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