Friday, 14 October 2011

I can't take it

My cousin and his wife are due around the dates that we were expecting (an actual date hadn't been scheduled for delivery but sometime after November 20th and she's due on Nov 27th or 28th).So on facebook yesterday I saw her status, it was one of those 'how far along I am, what the baby is like right now, and how long until I'm due' and I could barely breathe. I know how fast the day(s) are coming up, it's not like I needed a reminder, but to log on and have it in my face like that was overwhelming. I don't know what I'll be like throughout all of November and December, or well ever, but right now, with it approaching so fast I feel like I am sinking deeper into despair.
Today is three months since we lost our little boy, and three months and 3 days since we lost our little girl.
It's painful to think about how far along I should be by now, how close to perfect everything would be if we hadn't lost them.
And every day I think that if it weren't for me that would still be the case.


  1. I'm sorry. It's been 38 months for me and I still have days where seeing little girls that would be Lily's age is too much..

  2. I'm so sorry. Seeing things like that always knocked me right over and I would fall back in the pit for hours or days. You can hide their updates. I've done it recently for a few people who are as pregnant as I should be right now and it is saving me a lot of grief.

    My sister had a baby boy 11 months after Jacob was born. Although I was incredibly relieved that he was alive and well, it was a very, very hard time for me. I don't know how close you are to your cousin and how often you will see their baby. I found it very difficult for the first few months. My nephew is 5 months old now and it gets a little easier every time I see him.

    Thinking of you, your little boy and little girl today.

    And it wasn't your fault. I know lots of people tell you that and it is hard to believe. I didn't truly believe and accept it for months. But the bottom line is that you would have done anything in your power to save them. It just wasn't in your power.