Friday, 14 October 2011

I can't take it

My cousin and his wife are due around the dates that we were expecting (an actual date hadn't been scheduled for delivery but sometime after November 20th and she's due on Nov 27th or 28th).So on facebook yesterday I saw her status, it was one of those 'how far along I am, what the baby is like right now, and how long until I'm due' and I could barely breathe. I know how fast the day(s) are coming up, it's not like I needed a reminder, but to log on and have it in my face like that was overwhelming. I don't know what I'll be like throughout all of November and December, or well ever, but right now, with it approaching so fast I feel like I am sinking deeper into despair.
Today is three months since we lost our little boy, and three months and 3 days since we lost our little girl.
It's painful to think about how far along I should be by now, how close to perfect everything would be if we hadn't lost them.
And every day I think that if it weren't for me that would still be the case.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011


It's been a while. Nothing's really changed. I did get to see Sherri last week, which was so very nice and needed.
I don't know about the anti-depressant I'm on. I find that sometimes my emotions build up so much I feel like I might explode and I'm unable to cry, which isn't good because crying is a release.
I might book an appointment with my doctor about either switching or stopping the anti-depressant.
I feel worse in the last few days than I have in a while and I don't know why. I am pretty low, and I hate to admit what crosses my mind sometimes. I shudder to think about where I would be without my husband and our family and friends.
Nights still seem to be the hardest, I'm wondering if it's because the early mornings were when things happened (or started to happen). So I find that I don't get as much sleep as I should at night, and then I sleep too much during the day. I feel so tired.
One amazing thing that happened was our friends and family got together and surprised us with an all expense paid trip to Disneyland (my husband and I are Disneyland-fanatics). We had less than a week's notice, which was so exciting. They arranged the time off with James' work (I am still not back to work) and everything. It was a much needed getaway and we really enjoyed ourselves. Just knowing how much people love and care about us is so heartwarming.
I started to call in my period to do a frozen IVF cycle. I just want to be on the waiting list so that when we do feel ready we'll already be waiting. If they call in the meantime, we can always say no to that month and we'd then be on the top of the list until we say yes. I like the sound of January, but there are a lot of hard days to come before then, so I'll have to see how we handle them first.
I think I just want to start something new, but I have a huge urge to move away.
I'm still having flashbacks, I still find myself having panic attacks, I cry alot, when I am able to. I still pretend I'm ok, but I'm not.

Sunday, 14 August 2011

One month - Twin B

It's been one month since we lost our precious Twin B. We love and will miss you always our sweet little boy!

Friday, 12 August 2011

D and C

So I'd been having some issues and so today I went to see my doctor. It was a really hard apt because there was a mom with her twin babies there, a boy and girl, and the lady who called us into the room was hugely pregnant. He sent me for an ultrasound (which was also hard because the last time i had an ultrasound we still had Twin B - although he'd already passed, and the last time we had an ultrasound at that place we were still pregnant with the Twins and doing great!) and they determined there was still some stuff left behind so they sent me back to my doctor who sent me to the hospital for a D and C.
The plan was to have it done today, so once I got there they got me admitted and put me in a room on the maternity floor again, and we waited to have the IV started.
Eventually our doctor came in and told us it was now scheduled for first thing tomorrow morning.
So James and I sat there wondering if we could go home.
Finally a nurse came in and told us that we could go home but they were going to have to give me an antibiotic through an IV first and then we'd have to go back there in 8 hours for another dose and at that point stay the rest of the night.
The IV being put in was an adventure, they got it on the third try, the second attempt by the expert nurse, and then we waited over an hour for them to get the medication, plus an addition half an hour to get the medication and some saline run through.
So we're suppose to be back there for 3am for the second dose of antibiotic, but we'll probably head back for around 1:30 or so.
My doctor also is putting me on an antidepressant. :(

Thursday, 11 August 2011

One month - Twin A

It's been one month since we lost our precious Twin A. We love and will miss you always our sweet little girl!

Thursday, 4 August 2011


Thank-you all for your kind words and support. It is really appreciated. It is nice to be able to communicate with people who understand what we're going through, although it is also very sad that anyone has to go through this.
I know that a lot of you have been here for my friend and I can't thank-you enough for that. She has been an amazing shoulder for me - I am so grateful to have her in my life and it is nice to know that she has you guys here for her. She is a special person with an amazing heart and I know how lucky I am, and how much better of a person I am, for having met her all those years ago. It is truly a friendship that will last a lifetime.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Twin A's sex

On July 25th, I felt the guilt worse than I ever had about not finding out Twin A's sex. I decided to be proactive and call the hospital in hopes I could talk to the nurse who was with us in emerg. No luck there but I think the lady in records that I was talking to felt bad for me and ended up revealing the gender of Twin A, apparently the report has already come back. She didn't mean to tell me - she knew we knew one of the Twin's genders but I don't think she meant to tell me the one I didn't know. She said afterwards that if we go to our doctor's office there may be a report we'd be interested in.
I was right in what I was thinking the gender was but I feel better now knowing for sure. I am glad that I took action to find out so at least some of that guilt could be gone. It will still always be there for not finding out at the time but that is something I can't go back and change I guess.