My cousin and his wife are due around the dates that we were expecting (an actual date hadn't been scheduled for delivery but sometime after November 20th and she's due on Nov 27th or 28th).So on facebook yesterday I saw her status, it was one of those 'how far along I am, what the baby is like right now, and how long until I'm due' and I could barely breathe. I know how fast the day(s) are coming up, it's not like I needed a reminder, but to log on and have it in my face like that was overwhelming. I don't know what I'll be like throughout all of November and December, or well ever, but right now, with it approaching so fast I feel like I am sinking deeper into despair.
Today is three months since we lost our little boy, and three months and 3 days since we lost our little girl.
It's painful to think about how far along I should be by now, how close to perfect everything would be if we hadn't lost them.
And every day I think that if it weren't for me that would still be the case.
Friday 14 October 2011
Tuesday 4 October 2011
Sigh
It's been a while. Nothing's really changed. I did get to see Sherri last week, which was so very nice and needed.
I don't know about the anti-depressant I'm on. I find that sometimes my emotions build up so much I feel like I might explode and I'm unable to cry, which isn't good because crying is a release.
I might book an appointment with my doctor about either switching or stopping the anti-depressant.
I feel worse in the last few days than I have in a while and I don't know why. I am pretty low, and I hate to admit what crosses my mind sometimes. I shudder to think about where I would be without my husband and our family and friends.
Nights still seem to be the hardest, I'm wondering if it's because the early mornings were when things happened (or started to happen). So I find that I don't get as much sleep as I should at night, and then I sleep too much during the day. I feel so tired.
One amazing thing that happened was our friends and family got together and surprised us with an all expense paid trip to Disneyland (my husband and I are Disneyland-fanatics). We had less than a week's notice, which was so exciting. They arranged the time off with James' work (I am still not back to work) and everything. It was a much needed getaway and we really enjoyed ourselves. Just knowing how much people love and care about us is so heartwarming.
I started to call in my period to do a frozen IVF cycle. I just want to be on the waiting list so that when we do feel ready we'll already be waiting. If they call in the meantime, we can always say no to that month and we'd then be on the top of the list until we say yes. I like the sound of January, but there are a lot of hard days to come before then, so I'll have to see how we handle them first.
I think I just want to start something new, but I have a huge urge to move away.
I'm still having flashbacks, I still find myself having panic attacks, I cry alot, when I am able to. I still pretend I'm ok, but I'm not.
I don't know about the anti-depressant I'm on. I find that sometimes my emotions build up so much I feel like I might explode and I'm unable to cry, which isn't good because crying is a release.
I might book an appointment with my doctor about either switching or stopping the anti-depressant.
I feel worse in the last few days than I have in a while and I don't know why. I am pretty low, and I hate to admit what crosses my mind sometimes. I shudder to think about where I would be without my husband and our family and friends.
Nights still seem to be the hardest, I'm wondering if it's because the early mornings were when things happened (or started to happen). So I find that I don't get as much sleep as I should at night, and then I sleep too much during the day. I feel so tired.
One amazing thing that happened was our friends and family got together and surprised us with an all expense paid trip to Disneyland (my husband and I are Disneyland-fanatics). We had less than a week's notice, which was so exciting. They arranged the time off with James' work (I am still not back to work) and everything. It was a much needed getaway and we really enjoyed ourselves. Just knowing how much people love and care about us is so heartwarming.
I started to call in my period to do a frozen IVF cycle. I just want to be on the waiting list so that when we do feel ready we'll already be waiting. If they call in the meantime, we can always say no to that month and we'd then be on the top of the list until we say yes. I like the sound of January, but there are a lot of hard days to come before then, so I'll have to see how we handle them first.
I think I just want to start something new, but I have a huge urge to move away.
I'm still having flashbacks, I still find myself having panic attacks, I cry alot, when I am able to. I still pretend I'm ok, but I'm not.
Sunday 14 August 2011
One month - Twin B
It's been one month since we lost our precious Twin B. We love and will miss you always our sweet little boy!
Friday 12 August 2011
D and C
So I'd been having some issues and so today I went to see my doctor. It was a really hard apt because there was a mom with her twin babies there, a boy and girl, and the lady who called us into the room was hugely pregnant. He sent me for an ultrasound (which was also hard because the last time i had an ultrasound we still had Twin B - although he'd already passed, and the last time we had an ultrasound at that place we were still pregnant with the Twins and doing great!) and they determined there was still some stuff left behind so they sent me back to my doctor who sent me to the hospital for a D and C.
The plan was to have it done today, so once I got there they got me admitted and put me in a room on the maternity floor again, and we waited to have the IV started.
Eventually our doctor came in and told us it was now scheduled for first thing tomorrow morning.
So James and I sat there wondering if we could go home.
Finally a nurse came in and told us that we could go home but they were going to have to give me an antibiotic through an IV first and then we'd have to go back there in 8 hours for another dose and at that point stay the rest of the night.
The IV being put in was an adventure, they got it on the third try, the second attempt by the expert nurse, and then we waited over an hour for them to get the medication, plus an addition half an hour to get the medication and some saline run through.
So we're suppose to be back there for 3am for the second dose of antibiotic, but we'll probably head back for around 1:30 or so.
My doctor also is putting me on an antidepressant. :(
The plan was to have it done today, so once I got there they got me admitted and put me in a room on the maternity floor again, and we waited to have the IV started.
Eventually our doctor came in and told us it was now scheduled for first thing tomorrow morning.
So James and I sat there wondering if we could go home.
Finally a nurse came in and told us that we could go home but they were going to have to give me an antibiotic through an IV first and then we'd have to go back there in 8 hours for another dose and at that point stay the rest of the night.
The IV being put in was an adventure, they got it on the third try, the second attempt by the expert nurse, and then we waited over an hour for them to get the medication, plus an addition half an hour to get the medication and some saline run through.
So we're suppose to be back there for 3am for the second dose of antibiotic, but we'll probably head back for around 1:30 or so.
My doctor also is putting me on an antidepressant. :(
Thursday 11 August 2011
One month - Twin A
It's been one month since we lost our precious Twin A. We love and will miss you always our sweet little girl!
Thursday 4 August 2011
Thank-you
Thank-you all for your kind words and support. It is really appreciated. It is nice to be able to communicate with people who understand what we're going through, although it is also very sad that anyone has to go through this.
I know that a lot of you have been here for my friend and I can't thank-you enough for that. She has been an amazing shoulder for me - I am so grateful to have her in my life and it is nice to know that she has you guys here for her. She is a special person with an amazing heart and I know how lucky I am, and how much better of a person I am, for having met her all those years ago. It is truly a friendship that will last a lifetime.
I know that a lot of you have been here for my friend and I can't thank-you enough for that. She has been an amazing shoulder for me - I am so grateful to have her in my life and it is nice to know that she has you guys here for her. She is a special person with an amazing heart and I know how lucky I am, and how much better of a person I am, for having met her all those years ago. It is truly a friendship that will last a lifetime.
Wednesday 3 August 2011
Twin A's sex
On July 25th, I felt the guilt worse than I ever had about not finding out Twin A's sex. I decided to be proactive and call the hospital in hopes I could talk to the nurse who was with us in emerg. No luck there but I think the lady in records that I was talking to felt bad for me and ended up revealing the gender of Twin A, apparently the report has already come back. She didn't mean to tell me - she knew we knew one of the Twin's genders but I don't think she meant to tell me the one I didn't know. She said afterwards that if we go to our doctor's office there may be a report we'd be interested in.
I was right in what I was thinking the gender was but I feel better now knowing for sure. I am glad that I took action to find out so at least some of that guilt could be gone. It will still always be there for not finding out at the time but that is something I can't go back and change I guess.
I was right in what I was thinking the gender was but I feel better now knowing for sure. I am glad that I took action to find out so at least some of that guilt could be gone. It will still always be there for not finding out at the time but that is something I can't go back and change I guess.
20 weeks
Today we should be 20 weeks pregnant, we were scheduled for an ultrasound at 10:30 this morning and were going to find out the sexes. I am trying to get through the day, I guess I am because I'm here and the day is slowly passing by.
On the brighter side, I had a great friend who has also had a tremendous loss and is an Angel Baby Mama, call me today. It was so nice to hear her voice and talk to her about things that only someone who has gone through a similar experience can understand. So thank-you so much my dear friend.
On the brighter side, I had a great friend who has also had a tremendous loss and is an Angel Baby Mama, call me today. It was so nice to hear her voice and talk to her about things that only someone who has gone through a similar experience can understand. So thank-you so much my dear friend.
Sunday 31 July 2011
An Emotional Night Last Night
I had a rough night last night. The flashbacks were really bad and just wouldn't shut off. My husband was great, he was really tired and was trying to sleep when it started. He rolled over, pulled me into his arms and held me. He was able to get me to take full breaths, which was good because I was on the urge of a panic attack, and talked to me and even got me to laugh.
He asked if I wanted to try a sleeping pill, which the doctor prescribed me (I haven't taken one yet) and I declined... I don't want to get trapped in another nightmare, the night before last I dreamt that there was a third baby, we didn't know until the same thing happened as Twin A. I also don't want to become reliant on them to sleep and if I take them to sleep one night due to flashbacks I will end up needing one every night.
I ended up falling asleep eventually but woke up at 6:30 and didn't think I'd be able to get back asleep so I just layed there for a few hours before I finally fell back asleep.
I feel like the flashbacks are hitting me harder lately.
He asked if I wanted to try a sleeping pill, which the doctor prescribed me (I haven't taken one yet) and I declined... I don't want to get trapped in another nightmare, the night before last I dreamt that there was a third baby, we didn't know until the same thing happened as Twin A. I also don't want to become reliant on them to sleep and if I take them to sleep one night due to flashbacks I will end up needing one every night.
I ended up falling asleep eventually but woke up at 6:30 and didn't think I'd be able to get back asleep so I just layed there for a few hours before I finally fell back asleep.
I feel like the flashbacks are hitting me harder lately.
Friday 29 July 2011
Your Tiny Little Footprints
Your tiny little footprints that were so very small
Have left a big impression in the hearts of us all
Though both of you were growing and healthy as can be
It seems your short life on this earth was all was meant to be
You will never be forgotten, nor ever be replaced
You will live on in all of us; in our hearts is your place
Please know that we’ll always miss you and always love you so
Your tiny little footprints will never truly go
Written for Twin A and Twin B
Love mommy and daddy,
July 18, 2011
Our story
After we'd been TTC a little less then a year we went to the doctor as I hadn't had my period in a few months - I'd been taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test, was sure I must be pregnant but they were all negative. Low and behold I found out I have PCOS. We tried Metformin, then Metformin and Clomid and eventually were recommended to a Fertility Clinic about 8 hours away from where we live.
We signed on for IVF and finally this past March were back and going through the procedures. The first week didn't look so good, my numbers were bad and we weren't sure if we'd even get a chance... they had me coast but only for a day. On April 1, 2011 they implanted 2 3 day embryos. After the 2 week wait we found we were pregnant and a few weeks after that found out we were pregnant with twins. We couldn't have been happier or more excited. We loved these babies before we even knew they were there. We went to our ultrasound and saw their beautiful beating hearts and heard their hearts beating at the doctor's office twice. We had 3 prenatal appointments and everything was going great. The last prenatal appointment was on Thursday July 7, 2011 - we heard the heart beats, both of them and they were perfect - everything was good on my end too. I was 16 weeks just the day before this prenatal appointment.
Only a few days later, Monday July 11, 2011, I woke up at 2:30 am to go to the bathroom and I felt weird down there... I had to pee but it felt like something else too, something heavy... so I let my husband go first and told him "I have to pee, but I feel weird...like there is something there" and when I sat on the toilet and tried to pee Twin A came out, still attached of course and I screamed and when my husband asked what was wrong I told him I'd just had a miscarriage. He came in and looked, we were both in absolute shock and panicked. He called 911 where they told me I had to lay down, he helped me to the bed. I don't recall any cramping at that time, but I was bleeding. Eventually the Ambulance came and they asked my husband if he wanted to cut the cord, which he did, and we were off to the hospital. There was another miscarriage that had arrived just before we got there so it was a while before we saw a doctor. The nurse that was with us asked if we wanted to hold the baby, which we both did and were so glad that we did - it was hard - we were still in shock and they never cleaned off or posed baby. When the doctor came he did an ultrasound and Twin B's heart was still beating and baby was still moving around, I asked if that meant baby wasn't in distress he said that he didn't actually know, he had no idea and didn't want to say so he was going to call a specialist... at that point I was honestly worried about the baby being upset or in pain. The doctor came back with bad news... because my cervix was open the odds weren't good for Twin B, we would most likely be losing baby in the next several hours or days. He had heard of miracles, he said, but the odds were not favorable. They said this loss was likely due to incompetant cervix. After an hour - maybe more- we were taken to, luckily, a private room on the maternity floor. They had me scheduled for an ultrasound later in the morning and Twin B was still such a trooper. Amazing heartbeat and incredible movement. Things were dim, but looking better because so far Twin B appeared unaffected. They kept me monitored at the hospital for a few days and on bedrest. We were able to listen to the heartbeat on a dopler a few more times and everytime it was in a great range and you could hear the baby doing it's gymnastics, until the last listen, it started off in the normal range and then went a bit below and we heard no movement... we figured baby was sleeping, but I was a bit alarmed and wanted to hear it again. They wouldn't do it again. The next day, Wednesday July 13th we went for another ultrasound. Twin B's heartbeat was in the normal range and baby was sucking it's thumb and kicked near the end. I felt better. We found out the sex, which I won't say -- we feel guilty for not finding out the sex of Twin A, although I suspect I know. The tech even told me, in confidence (this tech was male and so kind! They had to do both internal and external ultraounds so he had to have a female tech in with him during the internal when I said 'I suppose you can't tell me how my cervix looks and I'll have to wait for the doctor' and he said yes. Once she left, though, he whispered), 'it looks good!' Which our doctor confirmed later. He said the baby looks great and your cervix is closing. I felt hope again. They were going to send me home that night, on bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy, but I wasn't feeling great. I thought I was constipated, so did the nurses and even the doctor, after feeling my belly. The next morning (Thursday July 14, 2011) at 2:30 am after getting up to pee, once I got back in bed my water broke. (Thankfully I hadn't been feeling good enough to go home the night before). We knew what this meant of course. I was in labour for 18 hours total. This was such a different experience than Twin A. They sent me for an ultrasound just to confirm for themselves and probably find our where baby was at this point... this was at 3 pm. They angled the screen so I couldn't see this time. I found out after that baby was still in my womb but had already passed. My contractions were still there but had slowed down so around 6 they gave me medication to speed up the contractions again, in a little less then an hour the hard labour started. My husband had been (no surprise to me) such an amazing supporter throughout everything up until this point, helping me to the bathroom no matter the time nor how often... be it me going to the bathroom or even the bedpan. Above and beyond any of that, I can't even fully explain the amazingness he is or how lucky I am to have him in my life!! Through the labour, he was even more of a miracle. My parents had arrived maybe 5 minutes before the hard labour started (we'd been thinking once my water broke that it would happen fast so we'd been holding off anyone coming, hoping to wait until afterwards but it was getting late so a little while after they'd given me the contraction medication we'd called them and told them they could come) so my dad went into the waiting room (where he was eventually joined by my sisters and their boyfriend (younger sis) and finace (older sis). My mom stayed through the hard labour and was great as well. Mom was holding one hand, my hubby, the other. My husband was an amazing coach. We made a great team, it was as though we'd had practice or something. It came naturally. The hard labour lasted for about an hour and a half. The placenta was still attached to Twin B. Twin B was born @ 8:30pm. We had my mom leave the room, we didn't want to do anything for Twin B that we hadn't for Twin A - save the fact that we were already told the probable sex - so we didn't want anyone else to see the baby. My husband cut the cord again, this time they cleaned up and posed baby and had baby in a blanket too. We both held Twin B and tried to have our time equal with what we spent with Twin A. A nurse that had been amazing to us brought us the blanket Twin B had been wrapped in (we said it is both of the babies blanket, that they could share) and also two small teady bears with hats on their heads - different hats and the bears although very similar, there were some differences, like our little fraternal twins would have! (Well to an extent, they could have looked entirely different, being fraternal but you know what I mean). The babies were perfect! 10 fingers and 10 toes! Their faces were so precious. They were beautiful babies!! I had a little more bleeding then usual so we so had to stay another night in the hospital. My birthday was only a few days later (July 19) but I didn't celebrate... and my breastmilk came in that day too. I don't know how to get through. My husband and our families have been amazing and I couldn't do it without my husband, but the darkness feels like it is suffocating at times. Everything hurts. Any reminder of the fall or November, or December (My due date was December 21, but with twins they were going to induce me a month early). We had been so excited about so many things. We used everything as a countdown to babies, so now the thought of anything hurts. I had never been so excited about Christmas. We still consider ourselves parents, our babies are just angels in heaven. I don't know if everyone will see it that way or understand the pain, but who really cares about that. Nothing seems to matter. I feel like a robot. I have no idea what I'm doing at any given second, or what I should be doing. Nothing is important. I feel guilty for eating, drinking, sleeping showering, brushing my teeth... for everything! I fake my way through everything, I try to hide my pain as best as I can from everyone (although I know they still see it) except my husband. I've broken down quite a lot, the only person I feel comfortable letting it all out to is him. He went back to work on Monday, I'm taking some time. I don't know how much. The doctor filled out a form for me to be off until the end of August, and if I feel like I need more after that he will probably do it. The hard part about work is that at work everything was a countdown, I even had all of the scheduled ultrasounds (1 each month until the babies come) and appointments written on every calendar. I hadn't planned on going back after the babies were born. I was going to be a stay at home mama, money permitting... so I can't imagine going back there. I was never suppose to go back there. I think every day would be a painful reminder of where I should be. Problem is, I work for my Unlce and Aunt, so I wouldn't feel right about getting a different job either. Why am I even thinking about work? I have no idea. I have soooo much running through my mind. I guess thinking of anything else is better then the memories I get of the feeling of Twin A inside of me and not even knowing. Not even aware that baby was gone and traveling down me. I will never forget the feeling. Or the feeling of my water breaking of Twin B and knowing that all of our hopes were over. Those memories bring me really low. It is almost chilling. I, in some ways, still don't believe it's true. Will it ever not feel like a horrible nightmare? The flashbacks seem to come whenever they want to and often. It's always the worst when I'm trying to sleep, and once they start they won't stop.
It doesn't matter who says, or how many times I'm told, that it's not my fault, I still blame myself. I don't think I will ever not. The babies were so healthy! We heard their hearts beating just days before! We saw Twin B just hours before! Everything was going great! It's all my fault. They should still be here. How are they not still here?
We signed on for IVF and finally this past March were back and going through the procedures. The first week didn't look so good, my numbers were bad and we weren't sure if we'd even get a chance... they had me coast but only for a day. On April 1, 2011 they implanted 2 3 day embryos. After the 2 week wait we found we were pregnant and a few weeks after that found out we were pregnant with twins. We couldn't have been happier or more excited. We loved these babies before we even knew they were there. We went to our ultrasound and saw their beautiful beating hearts and heard their hearts beating at the doctor's office twice. We had 3 prenatal appointments and everything was going great. The last prenatal appointment was on Thursday July 7, 2011 - we heard the heart beats, both of them and they were perfect - everything was good on my end too. I was 16 weeks just the day before this prenatal appointment.
Only a few days later, Monday July 11, 2011, I woke up at 2:30 am to go to the bathroom and I felt weird down there... I had to pee but it felt like something else too, something heavy... so I let my husband go first and told him "I have to pee, but I feel weird...like there is something there" and when I sat on the toilet and tried to pee Twin A came out, still attached of course and I screamed and when my husband asked what was wrong I told him I'd just had a miscarriage. He came in and looked, we were both in absolute shock and panicked. He called 911 where they told me I had to lay down, he helped me to the bed. I don't recall any cramping at that time, but I was bleeding. Eventually the Ambulance came and they asked my husband if he wanted to cut the cord, which he did, and we were off to the hospital. There was another miscarriage that had arrived just before we got there so it was a while before we saw a doctor. The nurse that was with us asked if we wanted to hold the baby, which we both did and were so glad that we did - it was hard - we were still in shock and they never cleaned off or posed baby. When the doctor came he did an ultrasound and Twin B's heart was still beating and baby was still moving around, I asked if that meant baby wasn't in distress he said that he didn't actually know, he had no idea and didn't want to say so he was going to call a specialist... at that point I was honestly worried about the baby being upset or in pain. The doctor came back with bad news... because my cervix was open the odds weren't good for Twin B, we would most likely be losing baby in the next several hours or days. He had heard of miracles, he said, but the odds were not favorable. They said this loss was likely due to incompetant cervix. After an hour - maybe more- we were taken to, luckily, a private room on the maternity floor. They had me scheduled for an ultrasound later in the morning and Twin B was still such a trooper. Amazing heartbeat and incredible movement. Things were dim, but looking better because so far Twin B appeared unaffected. They kept me monitored at the hospital for a few days and on bedrest. We were able to listen to the heartbeat on a dopler a few more times and everytime it was in a great range and you could hear the baby doing it's gymnastics, until the last listen, it started off in the normal range and then went a bit below and we heard no movement... we figured baby was sleeping, but I was a bit alarmed and wanted to hear it again. They wouldn't do it again. The next day, Wednesday July 13th we went for another ultrasound. Twin B's heartbeat was in the normal range and baby was sucking it's thumb and kicked near the end. I felt better. We found out the sex, which I won't say -- we feel guilty for not finding out the sex of Twin A, although I suspect I know. The tech even told me, in confidence (this tech was male and so kind! They had to do both internal and external ultraounds so he had to have a female tech in with him during the internal when I said 'I suppose you can't tell me how my cervix looks and I'll have to wait for the doctor' and he said yes. Once she left, though, he whispered), 'it looks good!' Which our doctor confirmed later. He said the baby looks great and your cervix is closing. I felt hope again. They were going to send me home that night, on bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy, but I wasn't feeling great. I thought I was constipated, so did the nurses and even the doctor, after feeling my belly. The next morning (Thursday July 14, 2011) at 2:30 am after getting up to pee, once I got back in bed my water broke. (Thankfully I hadn't been feeling good enough to go home the night before). We knew what this meant of course. I was in labour for 18 hours total. This was such a different experience than Twin A. They sent me for an ultrasound just to confirm for themselves and probably find our where baby was at this point... this was at 3 pm. They angled the screen so I couldn't see this time. I found out after that baby was still in my womb but had already passed. My contractions were still there but had slowed down so around 6 they gave me medication to speed up the contractions again, in a little less then an hour the hard labour started. My husband had been (no surprise to me) such an amazing supporter throughout everything up until this point, helping me to the bathroom no matter the time nor how often... be it me going to the bathroom or even the bedpan. Above and beyond any of that, I can't even fully explain the amazingness he is or how lucky I am to have him in my life!! Through the labour, he was even more of a miracle. My parents had arrived maybe 5 minutes before the hard labour started (we'd been thinking once my water broke that it would happen fast so we'd been holding off anyone coming, hoping to wait until afterwards but it was getting late so a little while after they'd given me the contraction medication we'd called them and told them they could come) so my dad went into the waiting room (where he was eventually joined by my sisters and their boyfriend (younger sis) and finace (older sis). My mom stayed through the hard labour and was great as well. Mom was holding one hand, my hubby, the other. My husband was an amazing coach. We made a great team, it was as though we'd had practice or something. It came naturally. The hard labour lasted for about an hour and a half. The placenta was still attached to Twin B. Twin B was born @ 8:30pm. We had my mom leave the room, we didn't want to do anything for Twin B that we hadn't for Twin A - save the fact that we were already told the probable sex - so we didn't want anyone else to see the baby. My husband cut the cord again, this time they cleaned up and posed baby and had baby in a blanket too. We both held Twin B and tried to have our time equal with what we spent with Twin A. A nurse that had been amazing to us brought us the blanket Twin B had been wrapped in (we said it is both of the babies blanket, that they could share) and also two small teady bears with hats on their heads - different hats and the bears although very similar, there were some differences, like our little fraternal twins would have! (Well to an extent, they could have looked entirely different, being fraternal but you know what I mean). The babies were perfect! 10 fingers and 10 toes! Their faces were so precious. They were beautiful babies!! I had a little more bleeding then usual so we so had to stay another night in the hospital. My birthday was only a few days later (July 19) but I didn't celebrate... and my breastmilk came in that day too. I don't know how to get through. My husband and our families have been amazing and I couldn't do it without my husband, but the darkness feels like it is suffocating at times. Everything hurts. Any reminder of the fall or November, or December (My due date was December 21, but with twins they were going to induce me a month early). We had been so excited about so many things. We used everything as a countdown to babies, so now the thought of anything hurts. I had never been so excited about Christmas. We still consider ourselves parents, our babies are just angels in heaven. I don't know if everyone will see it that way or understand the pain, but who really cares about that. Nothing seems to matter. I feel like a robot. I have no idea what I'm doing at any given second, or what I should be doing. Nothing is important. I feel guilty for eating, drinking, sleeping showering, brushing my teeth... for everything! I fake my way through everything, I try to hide my pain as best as I can from everyone (although I know they still see it) except my husband. I've broken down quite a lot, the only person I feel comfortable letting it all out to is him. He went back to work on Monday, I'm taking some time. I don't know how much. The doctor filled out a form for me to be off until the end of August, and if I feel like I need more after that he will probably do it. The hard part about work is that at work everything was a countdown, I even had all of the scheduled ultrasounds (1 each month until the babies come) and appointments written on every calendar. I hadn't planned on going back after the babies were born. I was going to be a stay at home mama, money permitting... so I can't imagine going back there. I was never suppose to go back there. I think every day would be a painful reminder of where I should be. Problem is, I work for my Unlce and Aunt, so I wouldn't feel right about getting a different job either. Why am I even thinking about work? I have no idea. I have soooo much running through my mind. I guess thinking of anything else is better then the memories I get of the feeling of Twin A inside of me and not even knowing. Not even aware that baby was gone and traveling down me. I will never forget the feeling. Or the feeling of my water breaking of Twin B and knowing that all of our hopes were over. Those memories bring me really low. It is almost chilling. I, in some ways, still don't believe it's true. Will it ever not feel like a horrible nightmare? The flashbacks seem to come whenever they want to and often. It's always the worst when I'm trying to sleep, and once they start they won't stop.
It doesn't matter who says, or how many times I'm told, that it's not my fault, I still blame myself. I don't think I will ever not. The babies were so healthy! We heard their hearts beating just days before! We saw Twin B just hours before! Everything was going great! It's all my fault. They should still be here. How are they not still here?
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